This is a difficult subject quite relevant to my family right now. As mom approaches her 91st birthday she still lives independently in her own home. Contrary to her belief and our assessment, my siblings and I don’t believe this situation allows her to “live her best life” at this life phase. Remaining in her home with all the responsibilities and inherent risks it entails stresses her and worries us. She is not a proactive decision maker and is praying to just die in her sleep one night rather than face the life changes moving to an independent/assisted living facility would entail. So, what to do?
There are many books written on this subject and folks that can help us navigate the process but so far our efforts have revolved around circular discussions that all lead us back to the same place of disagreement on the best course of action. Given her current physical and mental health remain good, the big question for me is “whose decision is this?” It is a complicated subject with many variables so I’ll discuss just a few.
Regarding “when” to facilitate such a move, it seems to boil down to action brought on by inevitable necessity or a proactive choice. Her children would like to head off a frantic move brought on by necessity but this will only work if she chooses to make the move proactively and, so far, she’s not budging. There is a long list of positives associated with transition to an independent/assisted living facility but together they still don’t trump independence in her home. It’s hard to dispute her choice as who wants to leave their home knowing the destination is probably the end of the road.
So, then the question becomes “how” do we convince mom to make the move to independent/assisted living proactively now rather than reactively later. One strategy used, although a bit under-handed, is to tell the parent the move will be on a trial basis and if all goes well they can stay and if not they can return to their home. In the meantime, the adult children take the second option off the table by selling the family house and by the time this occurs the elder parent has acclimated and is enjoying life in their new environment. The end may justify the means using this strategy but it doesn’t feel right to me.
At this time, my siblings and I are all “singing out of the same hymnal” in trying to convince her it is time and she should choose/agree to the move now before it becomes more difficult later. With my sister soon leaving the CA area where mom currently resides, she may become more amenable to this choice later this summer when she no longer has local family to call when she needs help. We have looked into home care services but she doesn’t think she needs these yet but this may be the next step allowing her to continue living at home.
For us, another difficult decision is “where,” mom should move geographically given her four kids all live/will soon live in different states in the western part of the country. All of us think bringing her back to her Midwestern roots in Milbank where she has context for much of her adult life makes the most sense. Moving her to a large facility in an urban area of California or another state where only one of her children lives and where she doesn’t know anyone just to keep her close to where she lives now just doesn’t make sense to us. So my job this summer is to check out area facilities and if I find one I like let my siblings know and my brother will go pack mom up and bring her back to Milbank. I say “good luck with that bro!” Personally, I think our discussion with mom remains ongoing and the decision making fluid so stay tuned!