As we headed into the holiday season, I decided I needed a family fix so Paul and I decided to spend Thanksgiving in California. This means I need to “brace myself” for the onslaught of family dynamics that are played out within the context of different beliefs and ways of living. Similar nature and nurture only goes so far with subsequent life choices informing and forging who we become as adults. Of course life isn’t static and when you only see each other a few times a year it is sometimes difficult to navigate the minefield of family togetherness. I am also always surprised at how quickly old, often unhelpful, communication patterns surface. This is especially troubling given most of us have learned to set good boundaries and communicate with others in a positive way as adults. I mean, it’s pathetic really, why can’t we just “behave” when we are with our families. Nevertheless, and for better or worse, in we go! I could write a book on this subject but will share one area of personal dysfunction during my recent time with family.
My mother is still living independently at 85. Of sound mind with just a few age related quirks requiring rest periods throughout the day, she has a rich full life. The whirlwind of constant energy and directives her eldest daughter, “me,” bring into her home during a visit disrupt her way of living. I have humbly come to realize my often unfiltered way of communicating and accompanying actions can easily offend my peace loving mother. For whatever reason, I have an overwhelming urge to “tidy up” other people’s spaces. Mom maintains a clean and tidy home but being a child of the depression she has trouble getting rid of stuff. As such, she has amassed numerous piles of papers and empty containers throughout the house which I feel compelled to tidy up. I have learned my lesson from prior unwelcome tidying up efforts but did manage to clear a garage laundry shelf of about two dozen empty plastic bottles during this visit. I am sure she is still rifling through the trash trying to retrieve them.
Contrary to my reception at Mom’s house my niece and her husband, who both work full time and have two young children, were more than happy to have me “tidy up” their home especially given they were hosting Thanksgiving for the first time this year. I took on kitchen cupboards, pantry shelves, dressers, vanities, closets, toy bins and multiple loads of laundry driven to the point of exhaustion. This trait might have served me well in the workplace but is starting to seem ridiculous at this time in my life. My niece was happy though and had a lovely looking home for the holiday weekend. I remain troubled by what for me is a foreign part of family home management related to “kid toys all over the house.” Probably best for me to just “step away from the toy challenge” during future visits, unless of course I am on the floor playing with them and the kids. My sister, who is wise to my ways, limits access to her house and is quick to communicate what is and isn’t acceptable to “comment” about and/or “tidy up” in her home. Smart woman!
Upon reflection, I have to ask myself “what is my problem anyway?” I would slay anyone who said and did these things in my home. Some of my behavior comes from being the bossy eldest sibling and a retired CEO with too much time on her hands. Nonetheless, for me it is just plain humbling “boundary work” in progress. I tentatively look forward to another visit with family when they descend upon my home at Christmas. Payback could be a *^*^*! I think the old saying; “Glad when they come and glad when they go” is alive and well in my family! Happy Holidays! 2017